It’s been months since my last article.  On New Year’s Eve, I wrote “My Letting Go Experiment” and pledged that 2010 would be the year I turned things around.  It’d be the year of achieving a new balance – one that put my needs at the top of my priority list.  It’d be a year of replenishment, nurturing, and recovery from the intense pace I’d moved at since starting the What If? Foundation in 2000.

Finally, I was ready to trust that if I let go of the tight grip I had on my to-do list, all would be well.  The work I’ve poured myself into for the last ten years to help feed and educate children in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, would not suffer.  In fact, quite the opposite – I imagined that it might flourish with all the fresh air that would be let in.  What if letting go created the space for new creativity, new ideas, new ways of doing things, new people, and new possibilities that just can’t be discovered when you’re holding on so tight?  What if working less was actually going to create more?

So, on January 1st, teetering on the edge of burn-out, I plunged into an experiment of making myself and my quest for balance more of a priority than my work.

I was off to a good start for 11 days.  I slowed down, started exercising, began a cleanse, worried less, delegated more, stopped working on the weekends and evenings, and started reading a novel.  The What If? Foundation was doing great.  It didn’t require my constant attention.  I felt lighter, happier and really on track for a transformative year.  Each day I let go a little bit more and could feel the benefits of having space in my day, deeper breaths, a quieter mind.

Then came Tuesday, January 12th.  When my cell phone, home phone, and two business phones all rang within a few seconds of each other, I knew something was wrong.   I was stunned by the news that a catastrophic earthquake had struck Port-au-Prince.  An earthquake?  I didn’t realize Haiti had earthquakes.  I’d never considered them a possibility.  My heart sank and my hands trembled as I searched online for more information.  So many buildings down, over two hundred thousand killed.

My thoughts immediately went to the food program at the St. Clare’s rectory, located about four miles from the Port-au-Prince airport.  The cooks would’ve just finished feeding over 1,000 children.  Were they alive?  Did the kitchens and cafeteria collapse?  What about the after-school program that starts each weekday at 4:30 pm?  The small rooms on the other side of the rectory building would’ve been packed with students.  I paced my office thinking of the worst and tried to reach my friends in Port-au-Prince, but had no word… for three days.   Then on Friday, a miracle.  News came that the cooks and the children were alive and the rectory had not collapsed.  Since the earthquake, they’d been sleeping outside and had run out of food and water, but they, and most people in the neighborhood were okay.

Together with Caitlin, the Foundation’s Assistant Director, I worked day and night to coordinate our relief effort.  The phone rang constantly.  Donations poured in.  I was constantly on email.  I hardly slept.  The work of the Foundation during this time required absolute attention and devotion.  All thoughts of balance vanished.

Five days after the earthquake our first relief trucks carrying food and water arrived in the neighborhood.  Lavarice Gaudin, our program liaison, coordinated the distribution of aid to thousands of people who had up until this point, not received any help.  A few days later, our courageous Haitian partners had the food program back up and running.  Before the earthquake, it served up to 7,500 hot meals/week.  Now it was serving 15,000 meals/week.

During times like this, where does the energy come from to focus and lead?  If you had asked when I wrote the “Letting Go” article if I had the energy for a big push, I would’ve told you no.  But I discovered reserves deep within that fueled and carried me through.  Perhaps it’s love that provides this strength.  Perhaps it’s pure will, fighting for those you love.

As I write this, I’m on an airplane flying home from my first visit to Haiti since the earthquake. The enormity of the devastation in Port-au-Prince and the suffering that is so widespread is overwhelming.  1.5 million people are living outside under tents, tarps, sheets, whatever they can find.  The rainy season has started and food is scarce.  I didn’t see one bulldozer clearing rubble.  It’s hard to imagine daily life improving in the near future with so few signs of aid reaching the poor majority.   And the hurricane season is right around the corner…

But along with feelings of grief and frustration, I feel enormous relief and gratitude for what we’ve been able to accomplish in the Tiplas Kazo neighborhood with our Haitian partners.  The food program is going strong.  Over 2,000 meals are being served to children and adults every weekday.  One of the highlights of my visit was helping pass out these meals.  To place a plate of rice, beans, and vegetables into the hands of a child, to watch the relief on their face, and to know you’ve been part of the chain of love that helped make it possible – it’s a priceless feeling.

The work of the foundation has grown dramatically since the earthquake and the months ahead are full of new challenges.  I’ve been working at a sprinter’s pace and this is a marathon.  My body is sending messages that I’ve pushed its limits.  The hidden reserves I drew on are gone.  I’ve got hives.  I’m losing my voice.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve depleted myself again – and for such good reason – but I have to find a way to resume my letting go experiment.  I must find a new balance.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve got what it takes to achieve a healthy balance.  Am I strong enough to let go and trust that taking good care of myself can be achieved at the same time as serving others?  Do I have enough faith to follow the guidance of my inner voice, which is telling me to slow down?  I really don’t think I’m a workaholic.  When it’s personal, when your heart is fully engaged, when there’s a crisis, you just do whatever you can.   But at what cost?

So I’m beginning my letting go experiment again.  I’ve decided to start it by taking the day off tomorrow.  Even though my to-do list is long, even though at the top of the list is the need to raise money to build a new kitchen because we have to move the food program to a new site, even though I have pages of notes to go through from my trip, even though….  I’m taking a break.  It can wait a day or two or three.  Separating from it will help me see more clearly what to do in the days and months ahead.

Yes, it’s time to stop and listen to my body, which is begging for rest.  It’s time to stop and listen to my soul, which is calling for introspection.  I have wonderful support in the office.  I can do this.  I can learn to love myself enough to make my needs a priority.